Quarterly Journal of the Society of Intrigue

March 20, 2013
By

Volume 318, Issue 1

From the editor:

Spring is once again upon us. Death has loosened its grip and the hunt for truth begins anew — time to get out there and explore. The Society has several exciting initiatives lined up for the coming fiscal year, as we look to plumb the very depths of what the mortal mind can know. To this year’s contingent of thirteen initiates, I bid you welcome. You were wise to open that box; not everyone shares your fortitude. Each of you were chosen for a reason, though that reason may take years to fully grasp. (Sorry about the initiation rites! One day you’ll look back at them and laugh. Some day. Many years from now.)

I wanted to take a moment to address the unpleasantness that has loomed like a murder of crows over these past months. What was at first mere rumor can now be confirmed: The Onyx Contingent has sabotaged several of our efforts, and is plotting to reveal our existence to the public. On the one hand, I must urge both caution and vigilance. On the other, we cannot shutter ourselves away and let fear weaken our bonds. These slippery bastards have thrown their stones at us before. Let them come.

But enough of such trifles. Spring is in the air, and we have work to do. This issue of the QJSI features an eye-opening work of investigative journalism from the great Reginald Thatcher, as well as a photo essay that would be fit to frame were it not for … well, you’ll see.

-Eleanor Greystoke Sedgewick
Chairman, Society of Intrigue

Notable deaths, disappearances, voyages of no return, trans-substantiations, transferences of soul to phylactery, emergences into final form (page 5)

Letters to the Editor (Page 9)

  • What to do when CERN learns the terrifying truth about the Higgs Boson? Opinions vary greatly
  • Feedback on the Clockwork Heart experiment
  • What right do we have to question missives issued by the Weeping Vault?
  • There are too many leaves falling from the sky at night while our eyes are draped in broken memories

News Roundup & Current Events (Page 13)

Historical Perspective: Crypto-Numismatism (Page 21)
The study of mysterious coins may be derided as a hobby for “eggheads and grandpas,” but it has a great deal to teach about the history of nations — what we know, what we think we know, and what we cannot ever know, there is nothing to know, forget you ever read this, in fact why even turn to this page?

Cover Story: The Howl And The Ledger (Page 27)
An accountant on holiday in Geneva stepped into a tobacco shop to refill his pipe. What he found there may blow the lid off an impending financial tsunami. Reginald Thatcher explores how the Lycanthrope Accord of 1951 created a black market that is devouring the world’s strategic silver reserves.

Point/Counterpoint (Page 51)

  • Point: The Society’s supply of dark matter and echofire could accelerate the development of time manipulation and faster-than-light propulsion if it were made available to the world’s scientific community.
  • Counterpoint: If they were ready for echofire, they would already be reading these pages.

Photo Essay: Time Out Of Mind (Page 54)
The haunted beauty of chronoplasm is compounded by its ephemeral nature — it reflects multiple spectra simultaneously, but within a year’s time will have never existed. See these stunning photographs before they disappear from the pages.

Coded Messages (Page 68)

Cartoon Corner (Page 74)

The Final Word with Leonard “Mandrake” McGovern (Page 75)
Speaking of crypto-numismatists, someone’s a little cranky about all these buffalo nickels!

Est. 1691 — Mundum nunquam scire

Void If Detached: An Accidental Archive Twenty Years In The Making

August 14, 2012
By

In December 1991, 16-year-old me met up with some friends and drove to the sprawling new multiplex in Tyngsboro for the premiere of Star Trek VI. The place was packed. Sitting in front of me was a guy wearing a varsity jacket emblazoned with the logo of the United Federation of Planets. His crew took up the whole row, and had managed to sneak an entire pizza into the theater in the box, which remains the single greatest feat of movie theater contraband I’ve ever seen. 16-year-old me loved the movie, so I went again two weeks later — then set both ticket stubs aside on a dresser. That’s when the tickets began accumulating.

When I left for college, I swept the pile into a Japanese air mail box that my sister had used to send something home from Tokyo. The box is still with me. For twenty years, I’ve been sticking ticket stubs into my wallet the instant the usher tears them, then dropping them into the pile when I get home. Nearly 300 in all, a scrap heap of dot matrix and thermal ink. Why?

I have no freakin’ idea. At some point I noticed that I’d been doing it for a while, and my brain automatically checked some box somewhere that says “Repeat Until Death.” Hooray for consistency?

While writing about The Avengers earlier this summer, I took a quick picture of my ticket from the 1998 movie by the same name. Digging through the pile to find it was an unexpected memory bombardment, and before I really knew what was happening, I was possessed by the idea that I should photograph all of them. Each and every one. Then suddenly I was making a spreadsheet to catalog them, at which point it crossed a line and became a thing I was actually doing.

Naturally, I’m putting it all on the internet.

So this is me introducing Void If Detached, the Tumblr where this little endeavor will live. Check it out every now and then to see how much popcorn I’ve excavated. If you’re on Tumblr, feel free to follow it or do other Tumblr-ish things. I’ll also maintain an index on this page with links.

Consistent though I’ve been, not every ticket is here. There are some gaps in my college years — Crimson Tide, Braveheart, Heat, Get Shorty, Desperado, Fargo and The Usual Suspects just to name a few. What can I say, shit gets lost when you relocate to/from campus four times a year. Also, my friend Johnny worked at a movie theater in those days, and would sneak friends in when he could. I did not pay to see Stark Trek: First Contact or The Island of Dr. Moreau. There, now you know my terrible secret.

Anyway, yeah. This whole thing may end up only being interesting to me, but … I mean hell, have you seen some of the other stuff I’ve put on this blog over the last five years?

Read more »

100 Band Names Generated by Diablo 3

July 8, 2012
By

And now, 100 band names courtesy of the random item generator in Diablo 3.

Try out each one by saying the following out loud:

“Thank you, we’re __________ ! Come check out our merch table!”

Rare Pants
The Flawed Stone
Human Knowledge
Rift Beating
Truth Deliverance
Knuckle Prowess
Flesh Buckle
Mutiny Blitz
Hex Rain
The Timber
Fulminating Flag
Fatal Walking Stick
Living Dominion
Soldier’s Cure
Juggernaut Revenge
Forsaken Hawk
The Dam
Inscrutable Weapon
War Hunger
Brigand’s Prize
Doom Lock
The Shoulders
Truth Helmet
Spontoon of Agony
Salubrious Ironwood Shield of Invasion
Wild Casque of Focus
Protection Craft
Stalwart Skin
The Shade
Scarred Bastion
Nomad’s Coat
Grand Siphon
Bone Reminder
Mangle Void
The Gnaw
Blessed Crack
Smasher’s Deed
Hollow Force
Awful Hammer
Devastator’s Method
Frigid Fortress
Tower Thorn
Worthy Keepsake
Honor Eater
Sinister Fortune
Sly Fists
Crush Root
Thief’s Story
Hellrack
Solid Yumi
Highlander’s Badge
Gruesome Locket
Abyssal Focus
Hazardous Star
Exceptional Ono
Thick Silk Shoes
Masterwork Wrecker
Balanced Reaver
Fine Porcupine
Sword of Starlight
Grim Decapitator of Death
Ravage Ruin
Sage’s Scar
The Blitz
The Bludgeon
Slam Prison
Academy Tooth
Horrid Smash
Black Rake
Mental Ploy
Daring Coat
Dreaded Mail
The Robes
Prime Redoubt
Stout Skull
Watchful Heart
Broken Crown
Standoff
Immortal King’s Soul Cage
Danetta’s Rage
Sun Keeper
Falcon Flurry
The Helix
Strange Ramparts
Vital Incantation
Vile Menace
Demolisher’s Maw
Iron Reign
Null Sunder
Volcanic Shot
Bullseye Riot
Strong Cross
Keen Force
Last Judge
Shiv Retribution
Dire Bane
Power Tomb
Wicked Point
Subtle Essence
62 Gold

The Avengers, Inflation, And The Box Office Mystery That Haunts Me

May 7, 2012
By
The Avengers, Inflation, And The Box Office Mystery That Haunts Me

When Titanic passed Star Wars to become the highest-grossing movie of all time, George Lucas took out an ad in Variety congratulating James Cameron. It’s a cartoon of all the Star Wars characters sinking into the ocean, which is way funnier depending on your opinion of Episodes I-III. Plus they forgot Lando, the only black character in either movie.* But whatever.

The congratulatory ad is apparently a tradition — Steven Spielberg did the same when Star Wars surpassed Jaws in 1977, then Lucas returned the favor when E.T. topped Star Wars in 1982.**

When Avatar defeated Titanic, James Cameron built himself a submarine and descended to the bottom of the ocean. Which apparently was an option? Better than taking out an ad to congratulate himself, I guess.

All of which is to say, I saw The Avengers last weekend. As someone whose affection for Joss Whedon exists in a state of irrationality, I was predisposed to like it. More to the point, I wanted it to do well. That feels like a weird thing to want, like rooting for a team’s revenue rather than the score, but there you go. The movie’s pretty damn good, which I think is my objective take. But even so, I wasn’t prepared for the news that it had broken the most frequently shattered box office record, piling up the best opening weekend ever.

New records for opening weekend are practically annual at this point. All of the top twelve opening weekends in history happened in the past six years. The Avengers unseated the final Harry Potter film, which came out less than a year ago — and with The Dark Knight Rises looming in July, The Avengers’ reign may be shorter lived than its theatrical release. The whole thing is kind of goofy, and got me thinking yet again about a mystery that has bothered me for years.

Read more »

Post-Stasis Welcome Packet and Indoctrination Orders: Form XB8-6000 (A Friendly Hello!)

March 19, 2012
By

Good morning! Welcome to the future.

You, intrepid voyager, have reached your destination. Outside these walls, a world of sights and sounds beyond your imagination awaits. This packet contains everything you need to acclimate to your new surroundings. Please take a few moments to familiarize yourself with its contents.

To begin, we acknowledge that you have no idea where you are, what is going on, or why the klaxon in your pod will not stop. Bear with us as we do our best to explain. Everything is fine.

At some point between the Years Before Reckoning 2009 and 2016, all people on Earth were instantaneously placed into stasis — flash frozen, if you will. No record of the event exists, so the exact date is unknown. The human population was then harvested, disinfected, and placed into stasis pods. You have been revived because it is your turn to serve the Yalgrenach. The current date is Year After Reckoning 612.

The klaxon is to make sure you woke up. Touch the blue sensor to turn it off.

As you read this, automated instruments are performing a series of diagnostics on your physical and cognitive functions. With the exception of the vision test, you should be able to continue reading without interruption. Muscle stiffness is normal, as is the sensation of smelling citrus. Both will pass. Any diseases or conditions you had at the moment of Reckoning have been removed. Your life expectancy just tripled!

No doubt you are wondering where you are. The short answer is, “the volcano where Buenos Aires used to be.” The full explanation is tricky, because tectonic engineering has accelerated continental drift. This is one of nearly 115,000 hibernation facilities. After indoctrination, you will be taken to a transport hub for deployment to your sector. There you will perform your tasks to the best of your ability, until such as time as you are transferred to another sector or sent to the meat furnaces.

Please hold all questions about the meat furnaces.

Should you encounter fellow awoken servants, they may refer to the “winged ones.” This is because the Yalgrenach are a race of insectoid hominid bat-crocodiles. You are strongly advised not to address the Yalgrenach directly, or to make sudden sounds or movements in their presence (sneezing, etc). In the rare event that one needs to communicate, you will be made to understand the horror of their true language in the limbic system of your cerebellum. This will hurt for days afterward. But for the most part, you will receive orders from the Scythe-Mechs, or from printed out packets like this one.

We greeted you with “good morning” as a comforting formality, but in truth, time no longer has applicable meaning. Without a direct view of the sky, your circadian rhythms will be managed by your Yalgrenach pit lord. Speaking of which — “Where did the sky go?” Great question! The Atmospheric Dampening Shield (ADS) protects us from whatever is happening to the moon. The Yalgrenach have given us every assurance that once the lunar project is complete, the shield will be removed. Outdoor activity is discouraged due to ice storms and lightning.

Before you proceed to indoctrination, take a moment to confirm that your welcome packet contains the following:

  • One (1) flame-retardant coverall
  • One (1) pair chain mesh gloves
  • One (1) pair permaboots
  • Six (6) meal ration units
  • One (1) canteen
  • Three (3) potassium flares
  • Bottle of twenty (20) radiation antidote skin patches
  • One (1) copy of “After Reckoning: A Primer”

Naturally, this is all a great deal to process. One moment you were going about your life, oblivious to the wisdom and benevolence of the Yalgrenach, the next you were waking up in your pod. The adjustment will be difficult. But we want to stress the importance of looking forward, not backward. Your loved ones may still be in stasis, or may be centuries gone. Please do your best not to focus on your loved ones. Your pets definitely died alone and afraid. Please do your best not to focus on your pets.

Your position has been designated: MEAT FURNACE TECHNICIAN
Please report to sector: MEAT FURNACE

By now, your sedative is likely wearing off. Your senses are returning to normal, your mind is clearing. Panic is a common reaction. Just breathe through it. Everything is fine. This is happening. This is happening.

Follow the green floor markings to indoctrination.