Analog Nation

Apatosaurus pusillus, shown here at 125% magnification

The smallest dinosaur fossils ever found belong to Apatosaurus pusillus, known to archaeologists as the “pygmy bronto.” Native to the western regions of what would later become the North American continent, pygmy brontos lived during the Lower and Middle Jurassic periods. Adult males stood around three quarters of an inch tall, measuring on average three inches in length from nose to tail. They roamed in great herds that often numbered in the hundreds. Vast though these herds were, they likely passed undetected through the plains, appearing to other animals as nothing more than a rustle in the grass. Indeed, evidence of pygmy brontos falling victim to predators is rare. They were herbivores, consuming what vegetation they could reach and standing atop one another — sometimes thirteen or fourteen at a time — to reach low-hanging leaves. Fossil records of Apatosaurus pusillus end abruptly 160 million years ago. Archaeologists believe that they were wiped out by the impact of a tiny asteroid.

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that I would be appearing in a horror movie. I suppose it might sound made up, considering this site has also claimed that squirrels live for 800 years, and that redheads are allergic to cardboard. But it’s true — I am playing a character named Doug in “The Killing of Jacob Marr,” written and directed by Brad Rego. Who is Doug, you ask? Well don’t, because I’m literally the Red Shirt in this movie. Regardless, I spent the weekend of January 8th at a cabin in South Kortright, New York, and learned a few things worth sharing.

First of all, it’s not called long underwear anymore, it’s called baselayer.
We knew in advance that the temperature was going to be somewhere between Iceland and Hoth. It’s been years since I needed long underwear, but I figured my life may well depend on it, so I did a little shopping. I wandered aimlessly around EMS for a good ten minutes before I realized I was looking for something that doesn’t exist anymore. “Long underwear” is something your mom made you wear to go play in the snow when you were nine. These days? Drop the term from your vocabulary. What you need is baselayer. Baselayer is … well, it’s long underwear, but it’s long underwear that sounds 500% more bad-ass. It’ll keep you warm in the tundra, it’ll keep you cool in the desert, and if you’re outside in extremely normal temperatures, I suppose it’ll keep you comfortable in that too. That’s the danger of walking around a place like EMS — they make everything sound so cool, you wonder how you ever got by without it.

We got to use flares! Without question, the highlight of the ditch incident.

Bing’s mapping software needs some sort of internal setting that knows what season it is.
Five vehicles made the trek to the cabin. I rode up with my friend/cousin (long story) Gerard, along with Amy the costume designer and Scott the sound guy. Gerard’s scenes don’t film until the spring, but he’s a jack-of-all-trades technician and kind of crazy so he volunteered to come stand in the cold with us and lend a hand. We hit the road at 7:00 PM Friday, with directions printed out from Bing Maps. In theory, Bing saved us twenty minutes by sending us on a nifty shortcut through some winding back-country roads. In reality, it was snowing in earnest and Bing sent us on a shortcut through some winding back-country roads. At one point, as we hooked a precarious left, I asked, “Wait, is this paved?” It wasn’t a joke, I actually wanted to know. Sliding into the ditch was probably inevitable, the only surprise was that no one was hurt and the car wasn’t damaged. However, it was definitely stuck. One of the front wheels had nothing underneath it, and was spinning freely in the air. There was no way to get out unassisted. We needed help.

[Read the rest →]

Help us make meth! I mean, art. Make art.

Exciting new for those who live in New York and wish to bring me cupcakes in person! I will be breaking security protocol to make an appearance outside my isolated mountain compound. The reason? To amuse the shit out of you, dear reader.

Point of You Productions, the theater company I helped found (and have been working from the inside to take down ever since), has reached its tenth anniversary. To kick off the celebration, we’re holding a night of stand-up comedy. All proceeds will go towards our 2010 season. I’ll be performing, as will several good friends of mine. Tickets are $20, and include a free drink ticket. Additional drinks and other concessions will be crazy cheap — because that’s just how we dot-orgs roll.

When: Friday, January 29th, 8:00 PM
Where: Gotham City Improv, 48 West 21st Street, 8th Floor
Why: To help support art and stuff
How: By making you laugh and getting you drunk, not necessarily in that order
Reservations: (212) 613-6138
No seriously, why: Okay fine, we need the money to build a meth lab, okay? We made some bad decisions and got ourselves into some trouble, and now we need to make a bunch of meth. It’s not like we’re happy about it. Is that what you think? You think we’re happy that we managed to get into this mess?

Last year, in lieu of making New Year’s resolutions, I made a series of resolutions on behalf of the world in general. As January 1st bears down upon us once again, I have taken the liberty of crafting some more. You get to relax and stop trying to think up a good resolution, I get to shape the world in my twisted image, everybody wins.

Ready? Here we go.

I resolve, on your behalf, to stop expressing amazement at daylight saving time.

It never fails. Every year, the day after the clocks have “fallen back,” someone looks outside and says, “My goodness, it gets dark so early now!” Which, on paper, I agree with — the lost hour combined with autumn’s fading daylight has bumped up sunset’s curtain time. No question. But we as a nation have done this for 91 years. Why the crumbling hell are you still surprised? There has never been a year of your life in which this change has not happened. Getting bummed that it’s dark, that I understand. Being shocked by that same fact? Sorry, you’re on your own. As far as I’m concerned, there are only two types of people allowed to express such feelings:

A) Those who fondly remember a time before we changed clocks (nonagenarians, centenarians, ageless beings of undeath, etc).
B) Those who recently moved from Hawaii or Arizona, the two states that do not observe daylight savings. And nobody leaves Hawaii, so that doesn’t even make sense.

I resolve, on your behalf, to stop making commercials that employ heavy use of eating/drinking noises.

I’m fighting decades of established advertising theory on this one, but hey, every revolution begins with a single shot. Advertisers assume that if we hear how unspeakably delicious their product is, we will form a visceral connection. They augment ads with sound effects to broadcast tastiness. When the guy eats the burger, we really hear him eat that burger, and when the girl drinks the beverage, we really hear her drink that beverage. Slight problem, though: Eating noises fill me with rage. My eye twitches with every bite, and I know I’m not alone. We are friendly fire casualties in the war between Coke and Pepsi. Crunching, slurping, chewing, swallowing. Horrible, horrible swallowing. (In the rough draft for this post, I actually left myself a note here: “Try to make that sound not pornographic.” Basically a fail, right?) Every time Madison Avenue brings in a Foley artist to make a food product “pop,” God tasers Linda McCartney.

What do you have against Linda McCartney, Madison Avenue?

I resolve, on your behalf, not to talk about Twitter with people who don’t use Twitter unless they ask first.

Look, this is not to say anything against Twitter. I’m on the Twitter. I like the Twitter. But Twitter is in a place right now that reminds me of where fantasy sports were ten years ago. Either you were directly involved, or had no earthly idea what it was or how it worked. There was no in-between. In 2000, I was in a play with a troglodyte of a man who happened to live in my neighborhood. Every night, I had to listen to him talk about his fantasy football team as the subway crawled from 28th Street to Astoria Boulevard. Even as a football fan, even as someone who likes stats, I could not possibly have cared less. Then a friend invited me to play, and within a year I had teams in multiple leagues. I didn’t just drink the Kool-Aid, I poured it on my cereal and used it as hair product. The first time I caught myself talking about my fantasy team with an outsider, it hit me — Sweet Jesus, I have become the troglodyte.

I see the same thing happening today when a Twitter user brings up the subject. People’s eyes glaze over. They check their phones for messages, they glance at the appetizer table. They recognize someone across the room who may or may not be there. If they ask about it, that’s one thing, but if they don’t, save it for your followers.

With that in mind, this next resolution is only for Twitter users. The rest of you can skip ahead if you want.

I resolve, on your behalf, not to tweet questions about why things are trending.

It takes two seconds to click the hashtag. If you’re still not sure what it means, it has to do with one of the Jonas Brothers’ birthdays.

I resolve, on your behalf, to let go of the whole thing where technically a decade starts with 1 and ends with 0.

Certain people get bent out of shape about this, and I suppose I might seem like one of them, considering that “Science!” is the biggest tag in my cloud. However, this is one instance where “practical” kicks “technically” in the ass. The argument goes like this: There was no Year Zero, so the very first decade consisted of 1 AD through 10 AD. By extension, the 1980s technically started in 1981 and ended in 1990, despite the fact that “Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em” officially launched the horrors of early 90s fashion that February. The 90s technically ended in 2000, the 21st century started in 2001, and next year completes our current decade (which for some reason we still have not named). Everyone knows one smartass who brings this up, sometimes with a note of disbelief that the rest of us can’t grasp the concept. We understand math, smartass. Do the 1980s mind that we borrowed 1990 to complete the box set? As far as I can tell, the practice of labeling a decade’s identity began last century. Before that, things just didn’t move quickly enough for one decade to be significantly different from another. So why not make it official? Let’s claim the year 1900 as part of the 20th century. The 19th century had only 99 years. Any objections? No? Good. The 21st century therefore began on Y2K, and 2009 is, in fact, the last year of this decade.

This one pains me, but I have to do it. I resolve, on your behalf, to stop saying “awesome.”

We need to have a Viking funeral for the word. It has served with distinction, bringing honor to us all. But its time has come. Its own ubiquity has rendered it meaningless, even in the detached usage we have come to know and love. That plate of bacon over there? That’s a plate of awesome. Louis C.K.’s last HBO special? Sixty minutes of awesome. Zombies? Awesome. Chuck Norris? Completely awesome. We’ve taken it as far as it can go. It’s the “groovy” of the … decade we just finished (dammit, we really need a name for this thing). Hey, I’m as guilty as anyone. Do not mistake my call to action for a denouncement. Not to go all one-hand-clapping on you, but awesome is awesome. I’m not even sure we can extricate it from our vocabulary. It may not be possible.

In fact, hang on a second …

I resolve, on your behalf, to reduce incidence of the word “awesome” to 150 parts per million (PPM) by the year 2035.

Much better. The only way to go about this is to approach it like air pollutant reduction. We have to set a target level and work together to reach it. We can’t just lock ourselves in a room and sweat out the withdrawal pains. Oh sure, we’ll be clean for a while, but that never ends well. When we inevitably fall off the wagon, the crash will be even harder than before. “Awesome” will be the only adjective we say at all. Other languages will sadly shake their heads and turn their backs on us. They offered us help, and we took their money. We will have burned them for the last time.

So let’s start making a change today. We can build a cleaner tomorrow, one sentence at a time. And that, my friends, will be awes- … sorry, habit. That will be fantastic.

(Note: The above constitutes a legally binding document, and by reading it you agree to carry out all provisions therein, including the ones from last year.)

Analog Nation is pleased to present our predictions for the first year of the second decade of the third millennium — and beyond.

• Financial markets in Europe will grind to a halt due to a toothpaste shortage in Finland.
The world economy will once again teeter on disaster’s edge.

• Tectonic activity will cause major geological changes in the Great Lakes region, including a new volcano in Detroit.
Because really, what else can go wrong for them?

• The words “chimney,” “fulcrum,” and “hand-me-down” will come to be seen as unspeakably filthy.
Linguists will have to think up replacement words, which will be particularly tricky for chimney because “smokestack” is already a little dirty.

• The United States Supreme Court will relocate its chambers to a floating castle that drifts along the Capital Beltway.
This one just makes sense, and probably should have happened by now.

• Broncos legend John Elway will discover the lost city of Atlantis.
The “how” won’t be nearly as surprising as the “why.”

• The governors of at least seven states will turn out to be covert assassins.
The ensuing media storm will be called “Assassingate,” because we have lost the ability to come up with scandal names.

• Someone will show up at Oscars wearing a dress made entirely of leaves.
The Golden Globes will also happen, apparently.

• The National Hockey League will merge with Major League Soccer, creating a soccer-hockey hybrid called “kickpuck.”
Within minutes, children in Canada will be born with a natural ability to play the game.

• Opera mashups will sweep the Internet
Lady Gaga, we’re looking at you.

• The Prime Minister of Australia will lose a bet with the President of Portugal, forcing the populations of those countries to switch places.
Sooner or later we’ll guess right on this — and who will be laughing then, editors of Prognostication Monthly?

COMPLETELY ACCURATE BONUS: THE DECADE AHEAD

• By the end of 2018, nearly all birds will be able to speak Norwegian.
This won’t be as unsettling as it sounds.

• Cal Tech will clone Abraham Lincoln, including his memories and personality.
The project’s lead geneticists will be forced to file a restraining order against Doris Kearns Goodwin.

• To combat inflation, prices will be capped at five dollars.
Nothing, anywhere, will cost more than five dollars.

• Retailers will introduce DRM-encrypted physical items that disappear after a set amount of time.
Everyday necessities such as chairs, socks, garbage cans, etc. will be licensed, not sold.

• The 2016 presidential election will be settled with a jai-alai match between Kathleen Sebelius and Tim Pawlenty.
The winner will be revealed in the December 2015 edition of “Completely Accurate Predictions.”

Grade for our 2009 predictions: Solid B+ (We were close with the John McEnroe thing, but should have said Tiger Woods.)

Analog Nation presents the Twenty Best Lists of 2009:

1. Top 10 Reality Show Knife-Fights of 2009 — Access Hollywood
2. Top 10 2009 Corporate Decisions That Came Close to Not Losing Money — BusinessWeek
3. Top 8 2009 Media Trends Your 15-Year-Old Doesn’t Have to Explain to You — TechCrunch
4. Top 2 American Automobiles of 2009 — Car & Driver
5. Top 5 Ill-Advised Professional Rodeo Clown Comebacks of 2009 — Cowboy Sports News
6. Top Animal-Related Celebrity Arrests of 2009 — Wall Street Journal
7. Top 12 Extra-Solar Non-Planetoid Orbital Body Discoveries of 2009 — Astronomy
8. Top Microbrew Launches of 2009 — The Oregonian (65-page special report)
9. 2009’s Top 7 Vaguely Racist Myths About Swine Flu — USA Today
10. Top 250 Horrific Injuries of 2009: The Year in Pictures — Sports Illustrated
11. 2009’s Most Important Developments in City Zoning Legisl-OMG KITTIES! — Cat Fancy
12. Top 5 Moves in the Hotel Laundry Sector That You Didn’t Think Were Going to Pay Off (But Did) — Journal of the American Association of Hotel Laundry Technicians
13. Top 5 Moves in the Hotel Laundry Sector That You Thought Were Going to be a Sure Thing (But Missed Badly) — Journal of the American Association of Hotel Laundry Technicians
14. Top 10 Viral Videos of 2009 — New England Journal of Medicine
15. 2009 Top 20 Straight-to-DVD Movies That Were Actually Kinda Okay — Missives From Mother’s Basement (A Condé Nast publication)
16. Top 10 Things You Searched For In 2009 (Not “You” as in Collectively, “You” as in Specifically YOU) — Google, Inc. press release
17. Top 1,000 Most Banal Facebook Status Updates of 2009 — Time
18. Top 25 Things Oprah Did — O Magazine
19. Top Lists About Lists of 2009 — List Fancy (Our list made #7!)
20. People of the Year — Person Monthly