Toll free

Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed. If you are an existing customer, press one. If you are not an existing customer, press two. If you are a customer, but do not exist, press three.

(One)

If you are experiencing a service outage, press one. If you have feelings of anxiety or dread about the possibility of experiencing a service outage, press two. If you have a question about your bill, press three. For technical support, press four. If you would like to add service options, remove service options, or leave your service options as they are, press five. To take our trivia challenge, press six. For all other inquiries, press seven

(Seven)

If you are moving and would like to receive service at your new location, press one. If you are moving and would like to direct your service to an unsuspecting stranger, press two. If you are taking a suspiciously long vacation and would like to temporarily suspend your service, press three. If you have an idea, suggestion, or recipe you'd like to share, press four. If feral dogs are drawn to your home whenever your service is in use, press five. If the laughter of children no longer brings you joy, press six. If you think you may be the victim of crumb cake fraud, press seven. If you have a complaint about a service technician, press eight-three-five-nine.

( ... ?)

I'm sorry, I did not understand your choice. Please try again.

(Eight-five-three-nine)

I'm sorry, I did not understand your choice. Please try again.

(Eight-nine-three-five)

I'm sorry, I did not understand your choice. Please try again.

(Eight ... ?)

I'm sorry, I did no-

(EIGHTTHREEFIVENINE)

If you are calling because a service technician was late, press one. If you are calling because a service technician processed the wrong service order, press two. If you are calling because a service technician was surly, irritable, or had ritalin-twitch, press three. If you are calling because a service technician did not clean up after making lunch, press four. If you are calling because a service technician would not stop talking about how delicious his lunch was, press five. If you are calling because a service technician wanted to show you his sketchbook, press six. If you are calling because a service technician left a kayak in or near your home, press seven.

(Seven)

Please enter or say your 24-digit account number. Replace any dashes with ones. Twos and sevens are wild.

(Five-three-three-seven-five-seven-eight-six-three-five-seven-eight-zero-three-two-five-six-eight-zero-five-one-eight-six-three)

For fresh-water kayaks, press one. For sea kayaks, press two.

(Two)

...

I'm sorry, our Kayak, Skiff, and Canoe Conflict Resolution Office is currently closed. Please call back between the hours of 3:00 and 4:30.

To speak to a representative, press Theta followed by the ampersand key.

Your call may be monitored, recorded, or erased from time for training purposes.

If this is an emergency, press pound.