The People Museum

... or, "Where Half My Stuff Came From" IKEA!

Where the only thing promised Is anything you could ever need, for the rest of your life

IKEA!

Where magic lurks in every corner Which is a lot, because the pathways all have fifteen right angles

IKEA!

Where we shuffle past fully furnished rooms Exhibits of how we already live People at a people museum

IKEA!

Where they possess the power To transform any dorm room Into that same dorm room, only if it were in Helsinki

IKEA!

Where 75% of the city learn where Red Hook is And the other 25% say "There goes Red Hook"

IKEA!

The only place in New York Where absolutely everyone Walks slower Than you

IKEA!

Where each helpful "You Are Here" sign taunts you With graphical evidence of just how little progress you've made

IKEA!

The first store on Earth Where someone has to show you How to buy things

IKEA!

Where the merchandise has names You wish you'd thought of When you got your dog "Here, Kläppe!"

IKEA!

Where everything weighs three hundred pounds Because apparently the Swedes have learned to build furniture Out of dark matter

IKEA!

Where a simple, elegant chair Will, no matter how solid it appears in the showroom Come in three boxes

IKEA!

Where Aisle 8, Bin 55 Does not actually exist

IKEA!

Where I am just about ready to strangle the very next motherf— Oh my good holy lord, have you tried these meatballs??