We regret the following errors that were reported in recent issues. Several rumors have been circulating regarding the measures that we, the editorial staff, have taken to combat the increase in factual errors—measures that, as one rival publication put it, "could charitably be called draconian." We would like to address these rumors now. In short, this continuing spate of erroneous reporting is unacceptable, and we will go to whatever lengths are necessary to maintain our credibility. If some of our staff members take issue with the prospect of being pepper-sprayed, or spending a weekend in The Hole, or having their pants summarily confiscated, they should have thought of that before they published a story claiming that Shakespeare grew up in Ohio. "Consolidated Fishhook CEO Cleared Of All Underage Solicitation Charges" (6/23/08) - This article should have contained 17 distinct uses of the words 'alleged' or 'allegedly'
"Office Supply Store Stands Up To The Big Retailers" (6/26/08) - 3M does not, in fact, donate all proceeds from Post-It sales to the Irish Republican Army
"Herpetology Convention Tips The Scales" (6/30/08) - Turtles are not born with feathers, nor are they reborn from the ashes of their funeral pyre
"Touring Exhibit Leaves An Impression" (7/6/08) - There is no concrete evidence that Cézanne was allergic to Swedes
"Advice You Can Use" (7/11/08) - The tradesman's trick of using a pencil to rig a faulty industrial transformer is dangerous and should not be attempted, not even by a professional, no matter how easy we made it sound
"For Little League Coach, 'Little' Is In Eye Of Beholder" (7/14/08) - The pioneer settlers of the 1800s did not have rows of replaceable teeth, like sharks
"City Council Minutes" (7/17/08) - Councilman Wentworth never intended the codes for his home security system to be released publicly; we sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused Mr. Wentworth, his family, or his neighbors
"Local Banks Ease Customers' Minds" (7/20/08) - Carly Simon was not a crewmember aboard Apollo 15