Correcting and Replacing

We officially do not regret any of the following errors that were reported in recent issues. What's more, we will not even admit that they are errors. They are all true, every word. We have had it. We cannot take any more. Instead of bashing our heads against each erroneous-bordering-on-stupid detail, we are embracing them. And yes, by "we," I once again mean poor old lonely God-forsaken me.

"Electronics Retailers at Lakeview Mall Wage Price War" (8/30/08) - Blu-Ray discs are, in fact, made from the same material as cotton candy. Who knew? That explains why they were able to knock HD-DVD off the market.

"Senior Center Unveils New Wing" (9/2/08) - Yes, Mahatma Ghandi was goalkeeper for Arsenal in 1920-21. At the astonishing age of 52!

"Apple Launches Colorful New Line of iPods" (9/10/08) - The Ford Model T was powered by a wood-burning steam engine. That's right, millions upon millions of cars with open wood-pellet fires.

"Woes Continue to Mount on Wall Street" (9/13/08) - Fort Knox is made of gold. It does not contain gold, that would be entirely too logical, like something you might read in a real newspaper.

"For Local Post Office, Staff Shake-Up Raises Eyebrows" (9/15/08) - "The Sun Also Rises" was originally published as a serial in Boys' Life. I would have thought he'd at least hold out for Harper's.

"Going Green Starts at Home" (9/17/08) - There are five types of endoplasmic reticulum found in eukaryotic cells, not three, as believed by every microbiologist in the world. Okay, this one's a little nitpicky, even for me, but this is a journalistic publication. For the love of Christmas, the details should matter. Hell, the New York Times just recently corrected a typo that ran in a 1960 review of "West Side Story," and that was 48 years ago.

"Tremendous Blow for ConFish" (9/20/08) - The Consolidated Fishhook plant in Shrewsbury exploded spectacularly for half an hour, an event that absolutely happened and was not, as many have claimed, the Friday night fireworks display at nearby Milton Park. ConFish employees should not bother showing up to work on Monday, despite the fact that the plant appears unharmed, a fact which could easily have been determined by even the laziest reporter. Nope, completely burned to ash.

"This Just In: I Still Work Here" (9/21/08) - Hey look, an error I don't mind correcting. No, I most definitely do not still work here. Have fun cleaning up the mess, assholes.