Thomas, Who Has the Attention Span of a Gnat, Explains to His Brother-in-Law How to Take Care of His Cats While He Spends the Weekend in Austin

Well first of all, thanks so much for doing this. I really appreciate it. Danielle always takes such good care of them when I'm away, but I would have felt really bad with her coming over here in that cast. She likes that foot a lot, you know. Once when we were kids, we were talking which body parts we would cut off if we had to, and when it came to feet she said she would rather keep the left one. Is it weird being married to a lefty? My friend Damon's a lefty, but he's not married. Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge while you're here. Let's see, there's some soda, some beer, some Lean Pockets in the freezer, plenty of mustard — I always have mustard — some yogurt, really nice grapes, but that milk might be on its last legs, and I'm not sure what's in the Tupperware. That's the problem with leftovers, I can never remember what's in the container, and then it just sits there until I gather up the courage to peek inside. And then it's like, GAH! Science experiment! Hey if I didn't mention this before, you definitely have to use some finesse on that deadbolt to get in. There's a trick to it, you sort of lift up the doorknob, and then the bolt will turn easier. Did Danielle tell you about the cabbie I had the other night? Oh my God, the guy was crazy, kept yelling into his Bluetooth headset about how "Eric doesn't have the guts, Eric doesn't have the guts!" I'm sorry, where are my manners, can I get you anything? Some coffee? Ugh, I had such a day at work. You wouldn't believe the power-trip bullshit you see working for paralegals. They're not even lawyers! Oh, I should probably close the freezer. Check this out, look at how desperate this subscription renewal from Entertainment Weekly is. "Your subscription is expiring! Time is running out!" Then in case that wasn't enough, it's got a big rubber-stamp thing with "EXPIRING!" in scary letters. My subscription isn't even up for another five months. I mean, have some self-respect, guys. Did you know that there were actually two "Defenestrations of Prague," and that the victims of the second one survived because they landed in a manure heap of all things? I can't believe how early it gets dark now! You sure you don't want coffee? Man, not a good time to have Starbucks stock. Amazing how it took an economic crisis of epic proportions to get people to realize, "Hey, maybe six bucks for caffeine-juice is a bit steep." Heheh — get it? "Steep?" Wait, I guess that's tea. Never mind. Where was I? Oh yeah, nature shows. I'll tell you one thing right now, any nature show footage of lizards laying eggs gives me the absolute creeps. Yeesh! Turtles, too. Just freaks me right out. And yet I can't look away. Typical. You know what though, I cannot wait to get to Austin. You ever been? Every meal comes with chorizo. You get a milkshake, they put chorizo in it. And there's this cool thing where all these bats fly out from under a bridge or something. It's awesome. Are the Bulls off to a good start? I miss Scottie Pippen. That guy could play. So anyway, Butters is the calico one, and Troubadour is the black & white one. Don't go near them, though, they're feral.