Predictions for 2009

Analog Nation is pleased to present our predictions for the last year of the first decade of the third millennium. • Gas prices will plummet after commuters nationwide begin pushing their cars to work. The fall in prices will coincide with a sudden drop in obesity rates.

The digital TV switchover will cause sheep to become woozy and fall over. But the source of the problem will not be uncovered for years.

At least two games of the NBA Finals will be postponed due to snow. The firestorm of controversy on the blogosphere will be directed not only at the causes and effects of global warming, but also at commissioner David Stern's decision to remove the roofs from all NBA arenas.

There will be a brief but white-hot trend of people carrying around goldfish in plastic bags. The trend will be started by someone in the hip-hop community, probably T-Pain.

Three or more of the following states will outlaw whittling: Florida, Connecticut, Oregon, Arizona, Minnesota, Ohio, Wyoming, South Dakota.

A natural underground reserve of honey in excess of 700 million barrels will be discovered in northern Ontario. The land will be hastily purchased by the Ontario Maple Syrup Producers Association, which will forever seal it under a massive concrete bunker.

Paul McCartney will join The Rolling Stones for a worldwide tour. Yoko Ono will then splinter the entire group.

Everyone in Santa Fe, NM will forget to set their clocks ahead for Daylight Savings. And it will take them nearly a week to notice.

A major breakthrough will cause archaeologists to question the prevailing theory of what caused the extinction of dinosaurs. Several respected authorities will start to suspect that fossils are an intentional ruse by the dinosaurs themselves, who have been hiding this whole time.

Vanilla extract will be declared a Schedule II narcotic after an intense wave of abuse. Teenagers will refer to the flavorful extract as simply 'nilla, and refer to its use as "nilling" or "wafering."

A sword fight will erupt at John McEnroe's funeral. Oh, speaking of which, it won't be a good year for John McEnroe.

The Prime Minister of Australia will lose a bet with the President of Portugal, forcing the populations of those countries to switch places. Yes, we know, we predict this every year.

Google will announce its acquisition of Apple. Thus will begin either one thousand years of harmony or a soul-black night without end, we're not sure which.

PETA will go ballistic over the goldfish thing. The negative attention will only prolong what was destined to be a flash in the pan anyway.

The economy will recover and everything will be fine. By St. Patrick's Day, at the absolute latest.