The Quarterly Report

We are pleased to announce our results for the three months ended December 31, 2008. Revenues were up 14% over the third quarter, reflecting the traditionally busy end-of-year sales period. However, compared with the fourth quarter of 2007, revenues were down 3%. While this is unfortunate, it can hardly come as a surprise given the current economic climate. All things considered, we feel that a 3% decline is not a reason to hang our heads in dismay. Our market share remains strong, and we are well positioned to make headway in the coming year.

Some highlights from the quarter:

  • Procter & Gamble renewed their contract, at an expanded rate.
  • Our new Platinum Elite service completed beta testing. Post-beta testing is targeted for February, with gamma testing tentatively scheduled for August.
  • The emergency alarm system has been repaired, and will no longer blurt vicious expletives at random.
  • An elk got loose in the building again — kudos to the IT guys for trapping it the large conference room before it did much damage.
  • Our Toronto affiliate is still buried under several feet of ice and snow, a situation we are hoping to resolve soon. Assuming a few of them are still alive, their figures will be included in our full-year results.
  • If anyone in the Toronto office is reading this: We wish you well.

We have been receiving a number of inquiries on the status of our proposed merger with mDyne. Negotiations are ongoing. There are many issues to evaluate, including strategic benefits for both sides, corporate reorganization, where the new entity would be located, what it would be called, how to integrate benefit plans, who would record the new phone menus, what we would do with all the extra mopeds, which Brahms concerto to focus on, whether belief in an all-powerful deity negates the concept of free will, and who would ultimately be responsible for Oscar ballots, March Madness ladders, etc.

This is also an excellent opportunity to address the growing rumor that there is something mysterious buried underneath the premises of our main headquarters. The rumor has taken many forms, variously featuring a plain cardboard box, Civil War relics, and/or a great deal of sawdust. But the common element to all versions is that a profound malevolence is somehow involved. For the record, these rumors are unfounded, bordering on silly. There is not a dark entity imprisoned beneath the office. Should anyone discover that there is, please submit a ticket to the help desk.

Just to clarify an earlier point, while we said we are pleased to announce our results — and we most certainly are — we would be announcing them even if we were not. If it were a hassle, we would still announce them. If it were unduly time consuming, yet would we persevere. Even if it were our express desire to hide the results, to seal them away where light may never find them, to erase them from the wretched moans of time itself, that temptation would die on the vine. The SEC is pretty strict about this.

That is not our desire, of course, for as was made abundantly clear: We are pleased as pie to announce our results for the three months ended December 31, 2008.

Auditors are working diligently to prepare our full-year results, another thing about which the SEC really gets a hair up their collective ass.