25 Random Things About Me

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you. If you do not post 25 things about yourself within 72 hours of being tagged, someone you love dearly will suffer a horrible tragedy. If you tag someone that another person has already tagged, that person has the right to kick you off of Facebook. If you tag someone who is "on ghouls," they are not required to participate. No ghouls-chaining. No tag-backs.

1. I am one of nine children, three sets of triplets. I'm in the middle three, or "the heart of the batting order" as we call ourselves. When the third trio was born, we made national news, and still receive unsolicited phone calls from numerologist cults.

2. The only state I've never been to is Iowa. When I graduated from high school, my calculus teacher Mr. Wendell made me promise never to cross its borders, though he didn't say why not, and I thought it best not to ask.

3. I've never once filed my taxes. Whenever I mention this to someone, they make it sound like I'm completely screwed, but honestly I don't see what the big deal is. What could they possibly do? Make me fill out paperwork?

4. As a child, I was utterly convinced that I had invented the word "transition." I used to explain its meaning to people. My brother Rob thought this was hilarious, but when he finally told me it was a real word, I didn't believe him until he showed it to me in the dictionary.

5. Every time I have a dream about roast beef sandwiches, I wake up to find myself fully dressed for the following day. My mom wants me to see a sleep therapist, but to tell the truth it's a real time-saver.

6. The life and teachings of Mohandas Ghandi have been a profound influence on me, one that guides me in my interactions with others, though I have to admit I have a massive rage problem and it's gotten me arrested several times.

7. The craziest place I've ever had sex is in the visitors' penalty box at the Pepsi Center in Denver, during Game 6 of the 2001 Stanley Cup Finals.

8. I'll never understand why people always freak out when I put gravy on ice cream. Are you really going to sit there and tell me that doesn't sound awesome?

9. I enlisted in the US Marine Corps in 1994 and had the honor of serving for 18 months before I realized that I had actually been working at a Kinko's the whole time.

10. In my subsequent three-year stint with Kinko's, I saw much of the world, learned a lot about myself, and saw a great deal more combat than I would have expected.

11. My worst fear is to fall from a great height into water filled with snakes, while suddenly remembering that I haven't paid last month's cable bill.

12. Now matter how much I work at it, my handwriting is, was, and will always will be indistinguishable from that of a nine-year-old girl.

13. I'm a hamster guy. I've never gone more than five months without owning a hamster, and have had as many as twenty-six at a time. I just find them to be so fun, and soothing, and hilarious, though sometimes they run afoul of my rage problem.

14. I wouldn't consider myself OCD per se, but I do have this thing where I absolutely have to buy a box of oatmeal any time I sneeze and no one says "bless you."

15. For the last three years, the ringtone on my phone has been the theme from "Chicago Hope." Only my buddy Ed knows the reason, and he ain't sayin' why! Seriously, he's terrified to say why.

16. My earliest memory is of an eyrie full of peregrine falcons.

17. When I was a kid, my Uncle Peter came to visit, and had a fatal heart attack while I was at the corner store buying baseball cards. My parents assured me that it wasn't my fault, that the two were unrelated, but to this day, any time I want someone to die, I go buy a pack of baseball cards.

18. Wow, it's hard to think of 25 things!

19. Every year on Memorial Day, I rob a liquor store.

20. Lots of people say they had a whittling phase, but mine was pretty intense.

21. I tell everyone that I'm fatally allergic to shrimp, but actually I just think they taste like feet. Maintaining the illusion has compelled me to fake anaphylactic shock on four separate occasions, one of which landed me in the hospital for a week. The nurses gave me a really nice sendoff when I "recovered," so I felt kind of bad about the whole thing, but honestly, shrimp just straight up taste like fucking feet.

22. I know it's a long shot, but I still genuinely, fervently believe that I will someday discover a new element.

23. I have a 17-inch length of steel rebar lodged in my right thigh. The doctors told me that it's actually quite harmless, so they advised me not to opt for surgery. Yes, it's a hassle in airports.

24. In high school, I was the guy everyone went to when they had a garbage bag full of human fingers and needed it to go away quietly. And you know what? I was happy to do it.

25. My goal for this year is to start a forest fire.