Efforts to replace our esteemed editor, who departed six months ago, have so far proven futile. One would think that the ongoing scourge of newspaper closures would create a favorable hiring environment, but apparently our reputation is a hindrance. Calls to prospective applicants are not returned; what resumes we do receive are submitted by accident. "Not in a millions years, not if you guys were the last rag standing," as our 17th choice for the job put it. Nonetheless, we decided it was best to get back on the horse, as it were, and correct some inaccuracies. Precision is the cornerstone of journalism, as our former editor would say. The inaccuracies have multiplied like bees in his absence, so for the sake of expediency we will focusing on the last four days.
As always, we regret the following errors that were reported in recent issues.
"Police Deny Undue Use Of Force In Vandalism Case" (3/15/09) - Liquid nitrogen is not an aphrodisiac and should not be employed as such, ever.
"Add This Word To Your Diet: Flavanols" (3/15/09) - Dark chocolate is not a significant cause of typhoid fever. This one hurt; we really felt like we had the facts to back it up.
"Demathlon Competitors Go the Distance — In Arithmetic" (3/16/09) - Fingernails are made of a protein called keratin, not a proton called ketamine.
"Op-Ed: Today, We Are All From Éire" (3/17/09) - The Post Office is not going to start charging more for stamps with pictures of fish.
"This Time, They Framed The Guilty Ones" (3/17/09) - 'The Frame Game' on Rte. 4 was not closed as a result of racketeering charges. Owner Nathan McHenry, 71, was merely on vacation in Miami, and is now imploring his customers to return.
"For AIG, Days Go From Bad To Worse" (3/18/09) - Further research indicates that Diane von Fürstenberg was never on an episode of "Benson." We confirmed this by watching every episode thereof, and are happy to report that it holds up surprisingly well.
"Overturned Truck Releases Chemicals In Near-Miss" (3/18/09) - The soccer fields affected by the benzene spill are in fact quite dangerous, and parents should not allow children to play there, as was previously reported. If your children have played in or otherwise attended any games on those fields since Tuesday afternoon, remove their clothing and shoes immediately. Wash any exposed skin with soap and ample amounts of water; irrigate eyes for 5-10 minutes. If they are the type to chew on grass or sticks, or ingested part of the field in any way, do not induce vomiting. Initiate orogastric tube lavage, using activated charcoal if available. Monitor the child's cardiac status; benzene may increase the myocardium's susceptibility to the dysrhythmogenic effects of catecholamines. Do not administer epinephrine except in cases of refractory reactive airway disease or cardiac arrest. By reading the preceding paragraph, you have released this publication from all legal, financial or criminal liability.
"Laundromat Fire Ruled An Accident" (3/18/09) - Pandas are not amphibians.