Missive from the Super

ATTENTION RESIDENTS: PLEASE READ You MUST put all recyclables into the appropriately marked bins. The GREEN BINS are for paper and cardboard. The BLUE BINS are for glass and metals. The RED BINS are for plastic, not including plastic bags, which go in the YELLOW BINS. The ORANGE BINS are for anything corrugated, regardless of the material. Everything else goes in the BROWN BINS. The GRAY BINS are to remain empty at all times. The city requires all recyclables to be disposed in sealed bags that are clear or tinted to match the corresponding bin. If you think the Department of Sanitation does not notice, YOU HAVE ANOTHER THING COMING. They will fine Mrs. Stavropoulos, and then Mrs. Stavropoulos will make an angry phone call to me. And then I will knock on your door.

Hibachis are NOT ALLOWED on the fire escapes. Also, please do not hold barbeques, cookouts, spit-roasts, kelp-bakes, or ANY FORM of open-fire cooking event in the lobby. We have an ample backyard area. Use it. There is a sign-up sheet by the mailboxes, please request blocks of time in 15-minute increments. And clean up your ashes afterward, it's starting to look like the Sea of Tranquility back there.

The laundry machines are ONLY for the washing of clothes and other common household textiles (curtains, blankets, etc). For every item you plan to wash, ask yourself three questions. A) Is it jagged, heavy, or making a sound? B) Is it alive? C) If someone were to ask what it is, would you avoid the question? If the answer is yes, DO NOT put it in the washing machine. Non-residents are not allowed to use the laundry room under any circumstances. Your buddies down the street don't pay for the electricity and hot water, Mrs. Stavropoulos does. It's not her fault the Sparkle Plenty laundromat closed down.

Mailbox etiquette is important. When checking your mail, please do so swiftly. DO NOT loiter by the mailboxes. DO NOT glance at other residents' mail. DO NOT attempt to open a mailbox that is not yours. DO NOT ask the mail carrier cryptic questions about another resident's mail. DO NOT pose as another resident and try to trick the mail carrier to give you their mail. If a package is too large to fit in your mailbox, I am happy to sign for it if I am available. If not, you're just going to have to bring the little slip to the post office. Sulking will not help.

For the last time: Yes, I am aware of the crocodile on the 6th floor.

Rent must be paid ON THE FIRST OF EVERY MONTH. Send payments to Mrs. Stavropoulos at the address on your lease. DO NOT give checks to me, or slide them under my door. I cannot accept bartering arrangements, merchandise, services, favors, special considerations, low-interest financing offers, etc in lieu of rent. Rent is rent. And it goes to Mrs. Stavropoulos.

PLEASE be considerate of your neighbors when it comes to the noise level in the building. You may love music, and I may love music, but the music that you love may not be the music that I love, and I may not be in the mood to hear it, and it may be later in the day than you think, and plus I might have a migraine. The same goes for parties or ALL social gatherings. Inviting your neighbors does not somehow make you immune to noise complaints, especially when you only ask to be polite and know damn well they won't show up.

No one is allowed on the roof after 9:00 PM — and whoever keeps bringing kerosene up there to make burning pentragrams, kindly knock it off.

There has been some confusion as to which issues are handled by me, and which are handled by Carlos. Hopefully this will clear it up:

Things I handle: • Heating and furnace problems • Plumbing/electrical repairs • Access to the utility meters • Power outages • Issues with the laundry room Things Carlos handles: • Heavy lifting • Repetitive, unskilled tasks • Keeping an eye out for the crocodile • Trapping the crocodile • Anything crocodile-related

Please DO NOT trouble Carlos with items that are not in his jurisdiction — he is very old and gets tired easily.

Finally, on those rare occasions when Mrs. Stavropoulos is on the premises, avoid speaking to her. If you have any questions about the building or your lease, direct them to me, NOT HER. Small-talk will not be reciprocated. DO NOT MAKE DIRECT EYE CONTACT.

Thank you for your cooperation, and have a pleasant day.

-The Super (Apt. 7F)