The 2010 United States Census: Nothing but DNA and Freemasons

Honestly, I was just sitting here minding my own business. I'd just finished dinner, had a bit of time before "Lost," and was cleaning up some of the mess that accumulated over the last two weeks while I was locked in a theater. Out of nowhere, a friend of mine broadcast a challenge all throughout the Twitters:

It's Census Time. That's your cue, Internet conspiracy theorists. Give us your best shot.

Had I been enjoying a beverage at the time, there surely would have been a spit-take. Maybe it was his tone, all bravado and defiance. Well, as defiant as one can be in less than 140 characters. Maybe it was the fact that my Census form arrived in the mail today. Whatever the reason, his statement caught my attention and refused to let go — a call that could not be left unanswered.

Excuse me? Is that a gauntlet I see thrown upon the ground?

You have given me a subject that I can attack with bullet points.

You are correct to be frightened.

Fifteen Conspiracy Theories About the US Census, Hastily Thrown Together on a Dare

• The framers of the Constitution (which mandates the Census be taken every ten years) devised the Census as a way to keep Thomas Jefferson occupied and out of everyone's hair. The ruse was never corrected after Jefferson's death.

• The government conducts handwriting analysis on every Census form it receives. The psychological profile will be used against the American public in the event that the government needs to have everyone declared cognitively unstable.

• The Census is little more than a flimsy ploy — a pork barrel project guided by the Pulp & Paper Industry (Big Paper) as an excuse to sell the government paper by the truckload. Additional political action committee support is provided by the Ink & Toner Industry (Big Smudge), who also move a lot of product through federal contracts.

• The Census long ago ceased to be necessary, but has been continued by the United States Postal Service as a way to artificially drive up their volume numbers. Do you think it is a coincidence that the Postmaster General's bonus comes up for review every ten years? You are so pitifully naive.

• Every Census form is woven with fiber-optic "smart thread" that records information about you and your home every moment that it is in your possession. The form itself is a cover — there is no need to answer the questions. You could send it back blank and they would still know everything about you, Janine.*

• The letters of all the words on the Census questionnaire form an anagram. When properly decoded, the anagram reveals the location of an underground Masonic temple, which contains the bones of every world leader dating back to 1452.

• Census forms are tabulated in a block of cells under the NORAD command center at Cheyenne Mountain, CO. The tabulators are a sect of statistical zealots who have forsworn all familial ties. They have had their vocal chords surgically removed, so that they cannot speak of the results to one another.

• Anyone between the ages of 14 and 17 who selects "Dominican" and "left-handed" on a Census form is flagged for referral to Major League Baseball.

• Door-to-door Census workers are a mix of Homeland Security agents scouting for potential threats, Immigration officials on the lookout for anyone in the country illegally, and real estate agents who want to get a sense of who's moving soon.

• Citizens who do not fill out and return the Census form are fined $5,000. The fine is quietly collected piecemeal over the course of the next ten years, drawn in small amounts disguised as fees on utility/cable/phone bills.

• The 2020 Census will require all respondents to submit fingerprints, eye scans, and DNA samples along with the questionnaire. Everyone's DNA will be sequenced in time for the 2030 Census, which will require a full brain scan of every man, woman and child in America. For the 2040 Census, we will be replaced by meticulously crafted clones.

• The Department of Commerce is very close to a deal that will outsource all future Census activities to Google. Commerce Secretary Gary Locke is a childhood friend of Google CEO Eric Schmidt.

• One person from the 2010 Census will chosen at random to win $250 million. Another will be selected for execution on live television. The individuals will be notified in secret one month before it is announced to the public. Both will be given a card with the other's name. Hang on a second, I think I just accidentally wrote Christopher Nolan's next movie.

• Algorithms used by the Census Bureau are able to detect predisposition toward extremist views. Individuals who index high on these scales are flagged for FBI review, and referred to Major League Baseball.

• The Census is perpetuated by East Coast, Ivory Tower eggheads who are trying to prove that mankind has defeated God.

*Hopefully someone named Janine will read this.