Navel Gazing (Digital Edition)

The Internet is weird. Every twisted and desperate thought humanity ever had is rendered in loving detail, thrown into a corner, and forgotten. And hell, that's just Wikipedia. Everyone knows this, at least on an academic level. But it's nice to see occasional proof that yep, the Internet is still the Crooked Attic of the Soul. We here at Analog Nation get that proof every time we look through our analytics.

It's a bad idea to get wrapped up in your website's analytics, especially if the only quasi-stated goal of your website is to impress Karen Gillan to be mildly amusing. Stare at your traffic long enough and you'll eventually find a reason to be discouraged. However, search term analytics — the list of what people googled before clicking through to your site — now that right there is a good time. There is your proof that the Internet is weird. Twenty-five percent educational, sixty percent bizarre, fifteen percent terrifying.

Because I'm catastrophically short on ideas always eager to enlighten, I thought I would share some of Analog Nation's search analytics. To be clear, these are all completely real — I did not make any of these up.

First of all, an astonishing number of people have wound up on this site as the result of searching for information on Manchego cheese. Apparently this is what happens when you mention Manchego cheese over a hundred times in one sitting. The variety of search terms is impressive: Manchego, melted Manchego, fried Manchego, Manchego rind, Argentinian Manchego, the list goes on for quite a while. From the looks of it, a lot of people want to know how long Manchego lasts. No seriously, a lot of people. It's cheese — how long do you think it lasts? Are there cheeses that last indefinitely? Why do they have all this Manchego lying around in the first place? Did they forget it was there? It's delicious, maybe try eating it or something?

Anyway, here are some of the highlights from the last two years. My comments are in italics.

• how to make myself untaggable • "bicycles eaten" world record • "fear of pancakes" (Yikes ... that's just plain awful.) • northern ontario maple syrup predictions 2009 (I am from the future, and I am here to tell you: Your syrup was delightful.) • anthropology woman behind the counter (If you mean Anthropologie, give up now. She will not go out with you.) • artificial replicas of animals • audit for birthday cake • coloroid blue pants (?) • 16th century song about skeletal system (?) • dance music where people wear helmet like robot and climbing the building (???) • explain two chains related by a dyad perpendicular to their fibre axis • hairy legs • hairy legs in nylon • hairy legs august • hairy preghnant doctor (Their spelling, not mine.) • i cant seem to sit still • is yogurt a woman thing (Yes.) • lasers ptew (PTEW PTEW!) • chris keeting death allentown pa (What th- ... ? Oh thank goodness, they spelled it wrong.) • christopher keating death notice (GAH!) • mnemonic sentence original 13 colonies (How about this: May Nancy Never Reap Corn Please Maybe Desmond Veers Near Some Greasy Nihilists.) • mousetrap coffins • names of famous accountants of today (Strongly implies that there were famous accountants before.) • prosthetic thumbs for dogs (They don't have wings either, shall we give them wings?) • terrorist attack defensive driving • what did they find in antarctica today 8 august 6 sixth 2008 (Well now i'm kinda freaked out — what DID they find?) • what is the historical significance of gingerbread (It portends war and is delicious.) • why bad thing to lock knife in the drawer • why has the planet got a weird colour • will murcury stay a planet • will paul mccartney tour in 2009? (I am from the future, and I am here to tell you: He will tour Europe in December of the year you call "2009.") • wonder woman statue serpent -mini • analogue resistance front • farmer space spider garment • "don draper" "psychological profile" (I'm no expert, but I'll take a crack at it: His pappy was mean and his mammy was a dead prostitute, so he sleeps with a ceaseless chain of gorgeous women but somehow still values family.) • 2009 median pitch count (Hi ... can we be friends? I feel like we'd be friends.) • being blind and driver license expired • ghost hunting supplies ithaca ny • www.victor mouse trap company.com (Not sure you understand how the whole URL thing works.) • largest dodecahedron made of tin foil (True story — I thought this one was the strangest of the batch, until I googled it and found that it came from right here. Thus has the snake begun to eat its own tail.) • pup eaten by alligator video (People, there's such as a thing as too much Interwebs)