Nonetheless, we decided it was best to get back on the horse, as it were, and correct some inaccuracies. Precision is the cornerstone of journalism, as our former editor would say. The inaccuracies have multiplied like bees in his absence, so for the sake of expediency we will focusing on the last four days.

As always, we regret the following errors that were reported in recent issues.

“Police Deny Undue Use Of Force In Vandalism Case” (3/15/09) – Liquid nitrogen is not an aphrodisiac and should not be employed as such, ever.

“Add This Word To Your Diet: Flavanols” (3/15/09) – Dark chocolate is not a significant cause of typhoid fever. This one hurt; we really felt like we had the facts to back it up.

“Demathlon Competitors Go the Distance — In Arithmetic” (3/16/09) – Fingernails are made of a protein called keratin, not a proton called ketamine.

“Op-Ed: Today, We Are All From Éire” (3/17/09) – The Post Office is not going to start charging more for stamps with pictures of fish.

“This Time, They Framed The Guilty Ones” (3/17/09) – ‘The Frame Game’ on Rte. 4 was not closed as a result of racketeering charges. Owner Nathan McHenry, 71, was merely on vacation in Miami, and is now imploring his customers to return.

“For AIG, Days Go From Bad To Worse” (3/18/09) – Further research indicates that Diane von Fürstenberg was never on an episode of “Benson.” We confirmed this by watching every episode thereof, and are happy to report that it holds up surprisingly well.

“Overturned Truck Releases Chemicals In Near-Miss” (3/18/09) – The soccer fields affected by the benzene spill are in fact quite dangerous, and parents should not allow children to play there, as was previously reported. If your children have played in or otherwise attended any games on those fields since Tuesday afternoon, remove their clothing and shoes immediately. Wash any exposed skin with soap and ample amounts of water; irrigate eyes for 5-10 minutes. If they are the type to chew on grass or sticks, or ingested part of the field in any way, do not induce vomiting. Initiate orogastric tube lavage, using activated charcoal if available. Monitor the child’s cardiac status; benzene may increase the myocardium’s susceptibility to the dysrhythmogenic effects of catecholamines. Do not administer epinephrine except in cases of refractory reactive airway disease or cardiac arrest. By reading the preceding paragraph, you have released this publication from all legal, financial or criminal liability.

“Laundromat Fire Ruled An Accident” (3/18/09) – Pandas are not amphibians.

And yes, by “we,” I once again mean poor old lonely God-forsaken me.

“Electronics Retailers at Lakeview Mall Wage Price War” (8/30/08) – Blu-Ray discs are, in fact, made from the same material as cotton candy. Who knew? That explains why they were able to knock HD-DVD off the market.

“Senior Center Unveils New Wing” (9/2/08) – Yes, Mahatma Ghandi was goalkeeper for Arsenal in 1920-21. At the astonishing age of 52!

“Apple Launches Colorful New Line of iPods” (9/10/08) – The Ford Model T was powered by a wood-burning steam engine. That’s right, millions upon millions of cars with open wood-pellet fires.

“Woes Continue to Mount on Wall Street” (9/13/08) – Fort Knox is made of gold. It does not contain gold, that would be entirely too logical, like something you might read in a real newspaper.

“For Local Post Office, Staff Shake-Up Raises Eyebrows” (9/15/08) – “The Sun Also Rises” was originally published as a serial in Boys’ Life. I would have thought he’d at least hold out for Harper’s.

“Going Green Starts at Home” (9/17/08) – There are five types of endoplasmic reticulum found in eukaryotic cells, not three, as believed by every microbiologist in the world. Okay, this one’s a little nitpicky, even for me, but this is a journalistic publication. For the love of Christmas, the details should matter. Hell, the New York Times just recently corrected a typo that ran in a 1960 review of “West Side Story,” and that was 48 years ago.

“Tremendous Blow for ConFish” (9/20/08) – The Consolidated Fishhook plant in Shrewsbury exploded spectacularly for half an hour, an event that absolutely happened and was not, as many have claimed, the Friday night fireworks display at nearby Milton Park. ConFish employees should not bother showing up to work on Monday, despite the fact that the plant appears unharmed, a fact which could easily have been determined by even the laziest reporter. Nope, completely burned to ash.

“This Just In: I Still Work Here” (9/21/08) – Hey look, an error I don’t mind correcting. No, I most definitely do not still work here. Have fun cleaning up the mess, assholes.

“Senior Center Facing Budget Crisis” (8/6/08) – The Vietnam War did not start in Sarajevo. Also, Sarajevo is not named for an legendary Eskimo hunter.

“New Airfield Open for Business” (8/7/08) – The coordinates for the new helipad at McKinney Airfield were off by several degrees. Our apologies to the Sacred Heart field hockey team, though in our defense this was not the first SH field hockey game to be forfeit due to helicopter landing.

“A Secret in Our Midst” (8/10/08) – The VFW hall on Piccolo Avenue is not the secret meeting place for a cult of demon-worshippers. Or so they keep insisting.

“The Untold History of Nabisco” (8/12/08) – The National Biscuit Co. had no direct involvement with the development of the hydrogen bomb.

“Problems with the Art Museum’s Summer Hours? Magritte Your Teeth And Bear It” (8/13/08) – There is little or no evidence that rear-window defrosters cause bipolar disorder.

“For Incoming Seniors, It’s Never Too Early for P-R-O-M” (8/17/08) – Anywhere the article mentions ‘cornichons,’ it should say ‘corsages.’ Cornichons are tiny pickles.

“Retailers Get Creative in Down Economy” (8/18/08) – Thrifty Mart’s ‘Show Us What You Got’ contest invites shoppers to send in pictures of their pantries — that’s pantries with an ‘r.’ We sincerely regret the typo, and any disturbing photos Thrifty Mart may have received as a result.

“Maritime Week in Review” (8/20/08) – There were several inaccuracies in the tide schedule; see our website for updated dates & times. Druids could get this sort of info right five thousand years ago, but apparently we can’t. Unbelievable.

“Consolidated Fishhook CEO Cleared Of All Underage Solicitation Charges” (6/23/08) – This article should have contained 17 distinct uses of the words ‘alleged’ or ‘allegedly’

“Office Supply Store Stands Up To The Big Retailers” (6/26/08) – 3M does not, in fact, donate all proceeds from Post-It sales to the Irish Republican Army

“Herpetology Convention Tips The Scales” (6/30/08) – Turtles are not born with feathers, nor are they reborn from the ashes of their funeral pyre

“Touring Exhibit Leaves An Impression” (7/6/08) – There is no concrete evidence that Cézanne was allergic to Swedes

“Advice You Can Use” (7/11/08) – The tradesman’s trick of using a pencil to rig a faulty industrial transformer is dangerous and should not be attempted, not even by a professional, no matter how easy we made it sound

“For Little League Coach, ‘Little’ Is In Eye Of Beholder” (7/14/08) – The pioneer settlers of the 1800s did not have rows of replaceable teeth, like sharks

“City Council Minutes” (7/17/08) – Councilman Wentworth never intended the codes for his home security system to be released publicly; we sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused Mr. Wentworth, his family, or his neighbors

“Local Banks Ease Customers’ Minds” (7/20/08) – Carly Simon was not a crewmember aboard Apollo 15

“For Runners, Training Is No Walk In The Park” (5/11/08) – Carbohydrates derive their name from the combination of carbon with water molecules; they are not named after a town in Denmark

“With Gas At Record Prices, Consumers Face Tough Choices” (5/14/08) – Cincinnati mayor Mark Mallory has never swam the English Channel

“New Downtown Gallery Draws A Crowd” (5/15/08) – The compact disc was not invented by Menachem Begin

“Leonard’s Take: Is ‘Lost’ Getting Weird Or Is It Me?” (5/16/08) – Henry Ian Cusick was never on “Perry Mason”

“Blackout Brings An Early End To Junior Prom” (5/19/08) – Last Thursday’s power outage was caused by an electrical storm, not bees

“Annual Fair Bracing For Big Turnout” (5/22/08) – Admission to the Mount Sunapee Memorial Day Fair is $4.50, not $450; it is regrettable that this information could not be corrected prior to Memorial Day

“A Close Call, But Red Wings Prevail To Win Cup” (6/5/08) – Netflix is not operated by a Colombian cartel

“Post Office To Undergo Extensive Renovations” (6/8/08) – The Parthenon is not in Nepal

“Best Buy To Be First Tenant In Oak Run Mall” (3/11/08) – The Lawnmower Man did not win the 1992 Academy Award for Best Art Direction; that honor went to Howard’s End

“Alderman Faces Drug Charges” (3/16/08) – Easter did not fall on a Thursday last year

“Breakthrough In Skin Care, But There’s A Catch” (3/18/08) – Hypoallergenic means ‘unlikely to cause an allergic reaction,’ not ‘made from potatoes’

“Overturned Truck Upends Rush Hour Commute” (3/19/08) – Emperor Hirohito was never a Franciscan monk

“Are Local Hoops Teams in a Scoring Drought?” (3/22/08) – The varsity basketball game between Natick Mission North and Sacred Heart did not end in a 3-3 tie

“One For the Record Books” (3/22/08) – The Buffalo Sabres did not defeat the Ottawa Senators 75-52

“For Local Business, Antiques Are Worth The Wait” (3/28/08) – The force exerted by one object upon another is equal to the product of the objects’ masses multiplied by the gravitational constant (G) and divided by the distance between the objects squared, not cubed, and does not inversely affect penguins

“Tough Times For ConFish” (1/19/08) – Consolidated Fishhook’s Q4 earnings were $3.2 million, not $3.20

“Spelling Bee Teaches More Than Just Words” (1/24/08) – Harrison Elementary School Spelling Bee champion Patricia Alden did not serve in Vietnam

“Mayor’s Tax Plan To Hit City Council Floor” (1/30/08) – The Toronto Maple Leafs did not win Super Bowl VI

“Panda Cubs Make Historic Visit To Zoo” (2/2/08) – Incorrect file photo replaced with one that is less disturbing to children

“For A Long Suffering Family, Closure At Last” (2/9/08) – Ella May Perkins was not granted a stay of execution; she escaped and is at large

“New Pastor Means New Community Initiatives” (2/15/08) – The Third Baptist Church of Goffstown is not trying to build an Army of the Wretched Dead; this was an error in translation from the original Latin

“Craft Fair Brings Together Young And Old” (2/26/08) – Seattle is not in Argentina