• On September 28, 1971, the United States Bullion Depository at Fort Knox was robbed of every last ounce of gold. The crime was never solved, and the facility has stood empty ever since. It is still rigorously guarded, to keep up appearances.

• On September 30, 1902, Cardinals rookie phenom Reginald Dixon mistakenly took the field wearing the wrong uniform pants. Until then, the twenty-year-old fireballer had been unbeaten in twelve career starts, and was touted as the savior of the franchise. Outfitted in pants that were the wrong color and several inches too short, Dixon was visibly flustered by the fans’ amusement and ribbing from his teammates. He gave up nine runs over two innings for his first loss, at one point beaning his own mother in the stands with a wild pitch. The St. Louis papers dubbed him “Pants,” and Dixon never regained his form.

• On September 2, 1906, Reginald “Pants” Dixon mistakenly arrived in Pittsburgh for a game against Philadelphia. Dixon pitched five innings against the Pirates anyway, getting tagged for a 5-0 loss.

• On September 3, 1906, Reginald “Pants” Dixon attempted to steal first. The catcher was too confused to make a pick-off throw, but Dixon slipped and fell halfway to the base. After regaining his composure, he calmly walked back to the batter’s box, and struck out on the next pitch.

• On September 4, 1905, Reginald “Pants” Dixon lost track of a pop fly in the sun, and kept waving off his teammates to make the catch even after the ball was caught to end the inning. The opposing pitcher was too polite to say anything, so he took his warm-up tosses around him.

• On September 5, 1907, Reginald “Pants” Dixon broke both legs sliding into third base. (His slide left him nearly eight feet short of the bag.)

• On September 6, 1905, Reginald “Pants” Dixon made the lone start of his career — and by some accounts, of his entire life — behind the plate. Both of St. Louis’ catchers were out with food poisoning, so players drew straws in the clubhouse before the game. Dixon drew the short straw. In all, he was charged with 11 passed balls and struck by 23 pitches, at one point attempting to set up behind the umpire. Dixon was benched in the sixth, and in his absence the Cardinals rallied back to win 14-12.

• On September 7, 1907, after falling asleep in the bullpen, Reginald “Pants” Dixon mistook his seventh inning relief appearance for a start. When the game ended three innings later, Dixon assumed it was because of impending rain.

• On September 8, 1908, Reginald “Pants” Dixon complained of headaches throughout a 7-2 loss to the Giants. After the game it was determined that he was wearing the bat boy’s cap.

• On September 9, 1906, Reginald “Pants” Dixon admitted to the press his agonizing fear of dirigibles.

• On September 10, 1909, Reginald “Pants” Dixon stumbled on the third base chalk line while walking onto the field, hit his head, and lost consciousness. Eddie Higgins started in his place and shut down the Braves 6-0.

• On September 11, 1906, Reginald “Pants” Dixon beaned three consecutive home plate umpires, knocking out all three. Only one reserve umpire was on hand, so when the third base ump came in to call ball & strikes, the reserve ump had the whole field to himself. Dixon knocked him out with a line drive in his next at-bat.

• On September 12, 1908, the infamous “barrel incident” occurred in St. Louis. After Reginald “Pants” Dixon and Julian “Shrap” McGuiness were both shelled and yanked from the game by the second inning, the pitchers nearly got into a brawl outside the visitors’ clubhouse. Tensions boiled after the game when the two happened upon each other in a bar, and in the ensuing fight McGuiness stuffed Dixon into a barrel and rolled him down Vandeventer Avenue. Dixon finally crasheed to a halt in some bushes, and eventually walked home with the barrel still stuck over his head and torso.

• On September 13, 1909, Reginald “Pants” Dixon was attacked by a pelican while taking the mound for the bottom of the fifth. Dixon fled the field, and the bird received a standing ovation as it flew away.

• On September 14, 1913, Reginald “Pants” Dixon pitched his last game, taking on Julian “Schrap” McGuiness one more time. For his part, McGuiness never let a runner past second base. Dixon repeatedly tripped on the pitching rubber — and somehow bounces a pitch off the third base bag — but managed to take a perfect game two outs into the ninth inning. On the final pitch of his career, Dixon gave up a game-winning home run to the last hitter in the order: McGuiness. In the year following Dixon’s retirement, the Cardinals posted their first winning record of the 20th century.

• On August 20, 1984, former president Jimmy Carter shattered all previous records for continuous breakdancing, collapsing after 23 hours and 17 minutes. In his book, “Keeping Faith: Memoirs of a President,” Carter called it “the single achievement of which I am most proud, a feat of unadulterated substance that cannot be diluted by politics.”

• On August 21, 1905, Cardinals pitcher Reginald “Pants” Dixon was nearly killed by an errant fastball from his nemesis, Julian “Shrap” McGuiness. The pitch missed Dixon’s head by less than an inch, nearly instigating a brawl as a furious Dixon charged the mound and was met by every single one of McGuiness’ teammates. (The Cardinals remained quietly on the bench.) McGuiness insisted the pitch wasn’t intentional, but most believed it was in retaliation for Dixon calling him a “toe-cracklin’ stack o’ cornpone.” Dixon attempted to return the favor later in the game, but hit an elderly woman in the stands instead.

• On July 23, 1994, a ninja infiltrated the White House, evading detection by the Secret Service for ten hours before scaling the outside of the building and escaping. What, like you can prove me wrong?

• On July 24, 1910, Cardinals pitcher Reginald “Pants” Dixon began a new exercise regimen, wearing ice skates whenever he wasn’t at the ballpark. The move was supposedly to improve his “balance, agileness, and other such machinations,” and Dixon reaped immediate benefits, winning his next 3 starts while giving up only 4 runs over 22 innings. He abandoned the ice skate routine after accidentally beheading his cat, Chumpers. He sank immediately into a slump, losing his next 7 starts.

• On June 11, 1952, Raytheon announced the development of a weaponized turkey sandwich. The prototype, GX-113, was the result of a decade’s worth of research, beating the Soviets’ sandwich program by nearly two years. The GX-113 featured aggressive levels of toasting and deli-style mustard, as well as a lettuce crispness factor (LCF) of 11.5 — unheard of at the time. The sandwich had a blast radius of 10 meters, with an 95% kill rate within 25 meters. Turkey was the first luncheon meat to be effectively weaponized. The British had promising results with a hot open-faced sandwich as early as 1945, but its limited range ultimately shelved the device.

• On June 13, 1903, Cardinals pitcher Reginald “Pants” Dixon faced Julian “Shrap” McGuiness in both ends of a double-header, and one of baseball’s great rivalries was born. Both pitchers went the distance in each game, with McGuiness giving up a total of 3 runs, and Dixon 47.

• On May 12, 1977, Led Zepplin’s John Bonham began a drum solo that lasted nearly four and a half hours. Though very few fans left the stadium, many were seen glancing at their watches towards the end, since it a weeknight and most had somewhere to be in the morning. It remains the only known drum solo to technically end the day after it started. When asked why the outburst was allowed to go on so long, Jimmy Page made it clear that one simply does not interrupt a solo by John Goddamn Bonham.

• On May 15, 1909, Cardinals pitcher Reginald “Pants” Dixon signed a deal to endorse Newmarket Chewing Tobacco. Dixon, who had never used tobacco until then, tried it for the first time before taking the mound the following day, and vomited mid-windup on the first pitch. The pitch was called a strike, but Newmarket dumped Dixon as a spokesman and went out of business within months. It was the only endorsement deal of Dixon’s career.

• On April 22,1971, the first Starbucks opened in Seattle. By the end of the following day, over 500 were in business nationwide; another 1,100 greeted customers the day after that. The chain went international inside of 72 hours, establishing themselves in 35 countries including the then-Soviet Eastern Bloc. They reached China by the end of the month. Despite reduced growth in the wake of the current economic crisis, it is estimated that six Starbucks open somewhere on Earth every second.

• On April 20, 1908, Cardinals pitcher Reginald “Pants” Dixon began a bout of hiccups that lasted nine days. In his two starts over that period, he went 0-2 with a 19.34 ERA and 58 balks.

• On April 5, 1985, the San Diego Zoo placed a lifelong ban on Goose Gossage, on the same day that the zoo’s entire giraffe population was found slaughtered and half-devoured. When asked about a possible connection, both parties refused to comment.

• On April 5, 1958, Whitey Ford won a bet with teammate Enos Slaughter by lifting a Buick Skylark over his head and holding it there for ten seconds. Making good on his bet, Slaughter cooked Ford a pot roast every day for the rest of the season.

• On April 6, 1972, Tom Seaver was kidnapped by the Soviets and replaced with a communist decoy. The decoy finished the season with a 21-12 record and pitched 14 more years, earning Seaver a place in the Hall of Fame. The real Seaver resurfaced in 1995.

• On April 7, 1960, Pittsburgh celebrated its industrial heritage by holding “Steel Day” at Forbes Field. All fans under 12 received a free ingot of pig iron, and the Pirates took the field with similar ingots tied around their necks. They lost to the Cubs 27-0.

• On April 7, 1970, Catfish Hunter made the first of several attempts to fly cross-country in a gyrocopter of his own design. Starting from Oakland, he traveled as far as Yosemite National Park before being forced to land.

• April 7, 1954, hundreds of spectators were on hand in Milwaukee to watch Warren Sphan wrestle an ostrich. The match was close, with referees ruling a draw through eight rounds, but the ostrich was cited for several illegal moves throughout and finally forfeited due to a beaking in round nine.

• On April 8, 1972, in an effort to draw fans during their first season in Texas, the Rangers orchestrated “Have a Piece of History” Night, handing out pieces of enemy fighters shot down by manager Ted Williams during his military service in WWII and Korea. All fans wondering how Williams came to possess the wrecked MiGs and Messerschmidts, how he transported them home, and why he would do such a thing, were given a free beer.

• April 9, 1983, a misprint on the schedule prompted about 4,000 fans to show up at Shea Stadium, even though there was no game. The fans decided to have a game anyway, selecting 9 people to be the Mets and 9 to be the Braves. The Braves won 5-2, dropping the Mets a game back in the NL East.

• On April 9, 1966, the Baltimore Orioles invented thermal transductive interferometry. They are believed to be the only professional baseball team ever to patent an industrial process.

• On April 11, 1905, Cardinals pitcher Reginald “Pants” Dixon put a baseball in his mouth to make a young fan laugh before the game. The ball got stuck there, and Dixon pitched six innings before the team physician was able to dislodge it. Dixon was unable to close his mouth all the way for four days afterward.

• On February 16, 1996, a visibly drunk Dianne Wiest mistakenly awarded the Best Supporting Actor award to the pig from Babe. Unwilling to admit any implication of error on their part, the Academy has never corrected the mistake. Oscar statues were delivered to all 48 piglets who were used in the filming of the movie.

• On February 18th, 1982, citing a lack of a worthwhile recipients from the previous year, the Academy gave the Best Picture award to Casablanca again.

• On February 20, 1977, the David Niven streaker and the Native American who accepted Marlon Brando’s Godfather Oscar began a bank robbing spree, which would span 18 days and 7 banks before the pair — both of whom were armed to the teeth — were cut down in a hail of police gunfire.

• On February 21, 1987, Short Circuit received the first (and last) Academy Award for Best Robot. It remains the only time that Steve Guttenberg has ever been allowed within five blocks of the ceremony.

• On December 23, 1962, representatives of the late Ernest Hemingway’s estate uncovered a hidden cache of notes and first drafts. While most of what the papers reveal is minor (he briefly tried to work a lovable dachshund named Lucky into For Whom the Bell Tolls, but scrapped the idea), by far the biggest revelation was the existence of a fully written alternate ending to The Old Man and the Sea, detailing how the fisherman was able to fight off the sharks with a knife and return home with his prize catch. Hemingway’s estate decided it was best to leave the ending in its original form, so as to properly bum out generations of high school sophomores.

• On December 24, 1813, Colonel Thaddeus McKitrick very nearly prevented the War of 1812’s famed Christmas Day Ambush. McKitrick had never been particularly religious, but he had a fondness for Christmas, and wanted to do something for his increasingly frustrated soldiers. Fashioning a makeshift St. Nicholas costume, he sneaked out of the camp before dawn, climbed a nearby tree, and waited to surprise the men as they awoke. It would have been the perfect vantage point to spoil the oncoming British ambush, had McKitrick’s costume not become tangled in tree’s branches, preventing him from calling out to warn the camp. The British, pressed for time, saw that he wasn’t a threat and left him there. Caught unawares, the sleeping troops were captured, dealing a serious blow to the Americans’ position on the southeastern shores of Lake Erie.

McKitrick himself was extricated from the tree on Boxing Day by a passing US patrol. He was relieved of his command by General Winfield Scott on New Year’s Eve.