Well Thank Christ THAT’S Extinct …

April 20, 2011
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Well Thank Christ THAT’S Extinct …

At the moment, I happen to be looking at a list of endangered species. I know, I know — I really shouldn’t be partying so hard on a weeknight, but you have to admit it’s a lot better than the two hours I once spent reading about airline disasters on Wikipedia. Looking at the list, three things jump out at me. The first is that it’s a great deal longer than I was expecting. The scroll bar is a worn-down nub that twitches the page around at the slightest touch. Surely humans didn’t put all these species on extinction’s doorstep, but the number has to be north of ninety-five percent, right? The thing reads like a subpoena. Second, I was wholly unprepared for just how ridiculous some of the names are. Not to make light of these creatures’ peril, but … okay, how about this. Here are five names from the list that I swear I have not invented:

    • Whitaker’s Skink
    • Jamaican Snoring Frog
    • Ringed Boghaunter
    • Palezone Shiner
    • Toothless Blindcat

We have to save these animals, if only for their impact on language.

(And I checked, it’s not actually a cat.)

The third thing is the reason I sought out the list in the first place. I had a theory, which turned out to be correct, that scrolling through the list would conjure a sad, dignified montage of animals struggling to survive. Basically, what I’m getting at is that nothing on there strikes me as something we’d all agree, with nary blink nor thought, deserves to be in the cold ground.

Because oh my sweet galloping Jesus, look what they just pulled out of the ground in China.

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Prepared Remarks on the Merger

April 7, 2011
By

Good afternoon everyone, and thank you all for being here. I’ll try to keep this short. We’ll be back at our desks watching cat videos in no time. (Laughter, hopefully)

First of all, I wanted to congratulate the team that finally got Consolidated Fishhook to sign on the dotted line. That’s a big win for us, and a major account that will help propel sales through the end of the fiscal year. Stanley McBride, Ellen Stashluk, and Rob Werth all did great work to bring that one home. Let’s hear it for them. (Applause, probably)

Now look, I know there have been some rumors going around, and a lot of nervous talk. And we’re going to put all that to rest. I’ve always considered myself a straight shooter, and on occasion that has gotten me into a tricky spot, but I would never run this company any other way. When Jim, Victor, and I started Merrick & Foster in 1980, we had a vision. I can stand here with pride and say that because of everyone here, that vision has been fulfilled. Advanced Solutions for a Changing World: It’s been our tagline since day one, and we mean it.

Today, that world is changing once again. We have brought you all here to announce that yes, it is true. Merrick & Foster will be acquired by AdvancedTechDyne. We will join ATD’s family of industrial conglomerates, delivering the same level of excellence that our clients have come to expect over the past two decades. The move will open doors for us that were previously shut, and provide us with a vast set of resources. However, there will be certain adjustments to our day-to-day routine.

• As you might expect, we will have an additional layer of oversight. This is nothing to be concerned about, just bear in mind that there will be fresh eyes on expense reports, inventory, client correspondence, personal email, etc.

• The work environment may shift towards a more formal tone than usual. All of you know I like a vibrant workplace, and the last thing I want is a bunch of androids in suits. But some of the more visible elements of cubicle personalization may need to be toned down. No more cat videos, I’m afraid! Dress code will be strictly business casual, no jeans or sneakers. Rowdiness or outbursts within the office will be monitored.

• Sorting through changes to our insurance will take some time. (Concern, possibly) Let me be clear, AdvancedTechDyne has an excellent benefits package, and no one is going to lose a single vacation day. Health coverage should remain more or less intact. Prescription medications may be switched to brands produced by ATD’s pharmaceutical divisions. Starting immediately, payroll will be handled by ATD’s offshore financial institutions. Direct deposit may present some issues, if your bank does not accept Kruggerands or bearer bonds.

• Many of you will be assigned an ATD consultant who will evaluate your daily work over a six-month period. These consultants will sit with you at your desks, and observe unobtrusively. Please avoid interacting with them, and do not ask them their names. Should they offer any suggestions, you are strongly advised to consider them.

• You’ll be happy to hear that everyone is getting a computer upgrade! That should clear a lot of open Help Desk tickets for Reggie and the guys, am I right? The new computers are much faster, and have some additional security features. Some new computer equipment will be loaded into the second floor conference room, which unfortunately will be closed indefinitely. Supplemental IT staff will be coming over from ATD to service this equipment, as well as the new desktop machines. Reggie and his staff will focus on non-essential tech issues going forward.

• Not to sound glib about the cat videos, but there will be no access to YouTube or Facebook, or to any part of the Internet. We will be operating on a fully integrated internal network, with no hard connection to the outside. Also, any company-issued laptops must be returned immediately. If it is deemed critical for you to have one, you will be issued a damage-resistant model with advanced encryption.

• AdvancedTechDyne favors advancement from within. Available positions will be listed on the intranet. Those of you on a management track would do well to learn German, Farsi, and Mandarin. All employees should identify family members or friends who could be viewed as a security risk. If you are unsure what comprises a security risk, err on the side of caution. Do not be alarmed if you see your position listed on the intranet, this is likely a formality.

• Representatives from AdvancedTechDyne will occasionally be onsite. Please give them a warm welcome, and whatever they need, including the use of your desk or car. For your own safety, do not remain in the office past 6:00 PM.

• Some of you may be wondering about our leadership structure. Rest assured, I will remain as CEO of the Merrick & Foster division of ATD. However, the board of directors has been dissolved, and will be replaced by a panel of shadow directors who will pass along orders when necessary. Jim will remain in his role as CFO. Victor and his family have already relocated to an undisclosed location, where they are being cloned for research purposes.

• The best news of all is that your jobs are completely secure, pending a physical examination and a battery of mental and emotional tests. To be eligible, you must sign the waiver form and be fingerprinted within the next thirty minutes.

There is a breakfast spread and coffee out in the hallway. (Applause, definitely)

The Eleven Most Disappointing Villain Sidekicks of All Time (PICS)

March 28, 2011
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You know how it is. You spend years meticulously plotting your evil plot, and now you stand upon the threshold of victory — or would be, if your right-hand man wasn’t about to drop the ball yet again. Who let the boss man down more, Starscream or Goebbels? Dare we even mention a certain heavy breather that rhymes with Shmarth Shmader? (Oh, we dare.) Time to have this out once and for all.

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Notes on the First Draft

March 9, 2011
By

DEB — APPRECIATE THE FEEDBACK, MY RESPONSES ARE IN RED.

Nathan,

All in all, I think this is a really good start. THANKS! The mantra I want you to keep repeating is: Build on this. Always be looking to add more layers. What you have are the first four chapters of what (hopefully!) will be a thoroughly publishable short story. THINKING MORE ALONG THE LINES OF NOVEL, PERHAPS SEVERAL. LIKE IF JONATHAN FRANZEN HAD WRITTEN TWILIGHT.

• Don’t worry about TOC and index, we handle that sort of thing later. OK.

• The setting is vague. Can’t quite tell what it is. Really get specific — try describing it in too much detail, I can chisel out what’s needed. Right now I’m pretty sure it takes place in a Starbucks, or a record store, or an office holiday party, or a fishing trip, or a brothel in Algiers. It’s one of those things. KIND OF WANTED IT TO BE AN “EVERYPLACE” KIND OF LOCATION. COULD EASILY BE ANY OF THOSE. PICK ONE.

• Fewer side characters. Let’s shoot for cutting two, and then see where we are. And if you get going and decide to cut a couple more, that probably wouldn’t be terrible. ACTUALLY, I ADDED ANOTHER TODAY. IT’S A FIREMAN WITH A DARK SECRET. WHAT COULD THE SECRET BE?? BUILDS SUSPENSE.

• Central theme developing: The risks we take everyday, and the danger inherent in playing it safe. Not bad, plenty of potential there. Say it with the characters’ actions. Trust that the reader will get it, you don’t have to spell it out. Erica’s monologue is a bridge too far. ERICA’S “MONOLOGUE” AS YOU CALL IT IS WORD FOR WORD A DREAM I HAD. SO THERE.

• Not exactly sure who Winston is. Thought I did, but then he kept leaving voice mail messages for the dead aunt. Is Winston a ghost? Please say no. WINSTON IS THE GARDENER, HOW IS THAT NOT OBVIOUS?

• Motivations need sharpening. Why a character does something is as important as what they do. Doesn’t have to be broadcast in the moment (a little mystery can be a good thing) but should at least make sense in retrospect. Why does Erica put that orange in the knife drawer? Why would that make Samuel storm out of the room? Does Mark forget that he has an extra phone charger in his coat pocket, or is he withholding it on purpose? Why is Erica so offended that Rachel keeps absent-mindedly chewing on twisty-ties? Why does Samuel badger the neighbors into making him a grilled cheese? NOT SURE.

• Look, I know we’ve had our disagreements about adjectives. (WAIT FOR IT) Yes, Hemingway used very little adjectives, and yes, Hemingway is an icon of masculinity, (WAIT FOR IT) but that does not mean that females should be described with lots of adjectives while males should not be described at all. AAAAND THERE IT IS. THE DEBATE THAT NEVER ENDS. IT’S LIKE WE’RE RIGHT BACK IN THE DORM COMMON ROOM, I CAN PRACTICALLY SMELL THE MICROWAVE POPCORN.

• The card game sequence is fantastic! Love how it mirrors the Mercutio/Tybalt duel. UGH, GOD YOU’RE RIGHT. IT DOES. WASN’T INTENTIONAL. HACK MOVE. YOU SAY IT WORKS THOUGH? Wouldn’t mind seeing how it would read without the bicycle accident. NOTED.

• Three arguments about dolphins is probably too many. ONE IS AN ARGUMENT ABOUT AYN RAND THAT JUST HAPPENS TO INCLUDE DOLPHINS, BUT POINT TAKEN.

• We need to have a conversation about Oxford commas. I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.

• Let’s talk about the ending for a second. And I want to assure you that we’re on the same team here. But this revelation at the end that the whole thing was narrated by the dog — necessary? YES. Absolutely must-have? YES. Something we can do without? NO NO NO. Leaving aside the fact that it’s mildly Shyamalantic, you’ve got such a great final image with Charles lighting the cigarette in the kitchen. Trust those moments. Trust that the genuine moments of the story will tell readers everything they need to know. They don’t need a sentient dog explaining it to them. My guess is that you feel pretty strongly about this, so let’s find a time to talk about it before my flight on Thursday. WHATEVER.

But Enough About That — Let’s Bring Out Some Robots

March 3, 2011
By
But Enough About That — Let’s Bring Out Some Robots

After my scanner broke, it occurred to me that drawing things on paper and then scanning them into a computer is a practice that hails from a previous goddamn century. And if there’s anything I hate, it’s previous centuries. It took me about fifteen minutes to get the hang of drawing on a Wacom tablet, and then another twenty minutes after that to feel like an idiot for not having bought one in the first place.

In theory, this means I will be posting little sketches and what not with far greater frequency than I have in the past. Either way, I have started a Tumblr where these things will live. The feed will also be imported here on AN for those who are comfortable not giving a shit about Tumblr.

Allow me to attach a sample.

See? Not everything around here is an eight thousand word diatribe about my college years.