Analog Nation

Celebrating a birthday at one’s favorite restaurant is a once-a-year treat, filled with singing, candles, and camaraderie. Yet behind this wholesome veneer lurks an undercurrent of lies — 52.1% of all in-restaurant birthday celebrations are fraudulent. These celebrations, whether acts of mischief or malice, are perpetrated upon the establishment in the hopes of receiving free [...]

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“I’ve always lived my life by a set of simple rules. Be the first guy in the dugout, be the last to leave. Run out every ground ball. Never start a fight, but never run away from one. Always tip your cap to a lady, especially if she’s carrying a goose. When you’re demanding that [...]

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1. Manchego comes from an area of Spain known for producing an unusual number of chiropractors.
2. The sheep from which Manchego is derived are milked while being shown algebra problems.
3. In a pinch, Manchego can serve as a suitable toothpaste — but it is unwise to use it as such for more than three weeks.
4. [...]

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… or, “A Thousand Times, Why?”
Why is it
That we can send explorers to a moon
Chart the depths of an ocean
Peer into the core of an atom
Cure children of a disease
That would have ravaged whole cities
As recently as a generation ago
Craft a work of art
That defies the senses
And speaks directly to the soul
Solve for a variable
That [...]

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While it is true that pretzels were first made by European monks nearly eight centuries ago, it was many years before they became a household staple. In fact, pretzels were never intended to be eaten at all. They were created as werewolf-bane, a ward against the lupine half-beasts that monks believed to be lurking behind [...]

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